Completing each day in Integrity

What does it mean to complete each day? I mean, really complete? I am acutely with this realisation today. This is what opened up.

I am a procrastinator, expert in putting off to tomorrow that which I find uncomfortable. eg. I have to go to the electricity office re my bill payment, and hate the thought of it, so I look out of the window and decide 'it is too hot today, and anyway, it is not so urgent, I can also do it tomorrow'. I suddenly breathe easier, cause I have a VALID REASON now for putting it off to tomorrow. I can't do this now because..........

The pattern repeats again, cause it still is hot outside. India has long summers. And I am always being valid and with reason. I have applied loads of salve to my conscience. There has been a casualness about me. 'Its ok, I mean good', dangerous kind of self-talk. Many things that I postpone eventually get forgotton. I never meet many of my own deadlines. That's what they become: dead-end dead-lines.

The old pattern has been to have blame, complaint, defences, excuses ready to fight the guilt. I used to be ready to fight the shadow, not look at it. All this infighting created tiredness, lethargy, even powerlessness. I was trapped in my own mind games, and was filling my cells with guilt, regret, remose, and all that anxiety. All this translated into a restless mind, so if I am with my book, the mind has a niggling thought reminding me of all the unfinished tasks. When I sleep, I have these anxiety dreams of running after a train that is leaving the station..... sitting for the wrong exam......... sounds familiar?

All this because there is so much resistance to the routine and dull stuff. Give me something interesting to bite! The dusting, cleaning, filing can wait. How many times have I heard, 'what I resist, persisits'. And magnifies too!

A thought is just creeping in as I write this. Does it.... could it (gulp) mean that procrastination is my way of keeping people hooked to me? Cause they will have to keep calling me up to know if I've done the job, or waiting for me to finish, or give information, or whatever it is I am holding on to. Is procrastination my attention seeking pattern?

At the bottom of it all is my laziness. I resist work. I avoid the hard work as long as I can. I put off to tomorrow as if there is a tomorrow. Today let me enjoy. So I grab my book, and settle down on my favourite chair, with the TV remote next to me. The untidy book shelf that I had resolved to work on 'whenever I have the time', waits. And the distance between resolution and action slowly becomes unsurmountable. Now I know why. Cause, I want it done, but I dont want to do it. Sitting in my chair, I wish for a magic wand, or like Baba Yaga, a magic pair of hands, to do my bidding. Sigh! Why do fairy tales live only in books?

The part of me that wants order, neatness, completion is at war with the one that wants to just enjoy and do interesting things. The fear is, there is so much backlog that has built up, it may eat up the entire day. And the next. Now where does it leave me the time to do the fun things? So, something has to give. Either I stop bothering about the untidy book-shelf, or if that is not happening, go clean it. And then sit down with that book.

I am learning to take care of things immediately. Small steps at a time. Wash the tea cup the minute I finish my tea, make my bed the minute I get out of bed. Clip the dead leaf the minuite I notice it. And take responsibility for day I am in. Pay attention to what is calling for attention.

Can I meet all my commitments? Have I called back all the people I said I would call back, did I meet all the people I said I would meet ( at the right time), did I complete all the chores I had set out for myself, did I look at everything that called for my attention?I'm sorry to say, I've been guilty on all counts.And so, as guilt is one thing I can do without, I find the only way out is to become responsible.

In order to build integrity into my existance, this is what I am bringing into my life: Keep my agreements. If an agreement has been breached, stand up and face it. No fancy footwork. Be punctual. I know its not fashionable. Do what I have committed to. Close each day fully..... which means, complete the day before going to bed.
I'm not going to say 'I'll call you back in 5 mins.' when I know it will not happen. I am aware the minute I declare a date and time to be present somewhere, the universe starts the process to meet me there. And if I dont show up, I am out of sinc with what I have created in the universe. I am and I create dissonance. Yeah, at all times, I am required to show up where I said I would. As I write this, I am acutely aware of at least 3 things that are getting carried over to tomorrow. Sigh! I'll get there soon. Practice makes perfect.

I also have two slogans in my kitty:

Completion cures insomnia!

Beware the because!

I am reminded of having read of Tibetan monks who keep their tea bowls outside their rooms when they retire every night, so that if they die in the night, the bowls can be used by others. Now that, is completion. They practice living like there is no tomorrw.

I have a goal to manage my existance in a way that if I have to leave the planet at a moment's notice, my affairs are in complete order. Whether it is my relationships, my work, my finances or my commitments or anything else.

A neat exit.

And so is.

' There is no such thing as a minor lapse of integrity.' Tom Peters