Who Am I?

I am balance,

Yet I grow.

I am restful,

Yet I flow.

I am changeless,

Yet I transform.

I am eternal,

Yet am new born.

I am earth,

Yet I unearth.

I am whole,

Yet I birth.

I am surrender,

Yet in quest.

I am divine,

Yet am blessed.

Responsibility - at the Potter's Wheel

After 15 years of work in healing and communicating with my inner child, I come today to the core issue of responsibility. By responsibility, I do not mean the commonly understood way of taking the blame (who's fault is this). This is about moving away from the fault-lines. I am talking here of my response-ability.

Responsibility an active, life-changing stance. Responsibility is always taken, when one takes charge. Sure, I've held many roles in life. Being a daughter, wife, mother, daughter-in-law, manager, professional, team-member, voter - all of these require responsibility. Have'nt I discharged my duties to the best of my 'responsibility'?

I mean much more here. Its about being in integrity in every way. With my body, my emotions, my soul, my spirit, my relationships, my time, my life, my ecology, my dreams, my missions.

Being responbsible, for me. is beginning to mean a life free of blame and complaints. And defences. Slowly, like weeds, I am removing complaints, blaming, and explaining from my day to day existance. Like a shaggy dog shakes itself free of the water after a bath, I am constantly shaking myself free of these. And most of all, owning my projections. Very, very important. In responsibility, there is no finger-pointing. I take responsibility at all times for being in communication.

At all times, I am the Cause, the Creator. Responsiblity is a place to stand. It is space free of fear, guilt, helplessness, looking for credit or approval. Being free of guilt is still a tough one. I guess I am in guilt for a dozen things in a day. Comes from a deep-rooted internalised right and wrong paradigm and 'shoulds' that I operate from. Somewhere along the way, I internalised the oppressors as 'voices' in my head. Lots of revisiting, releasing and letting go of old patterns is happening within. And loads of loving and accepting myself.

Being responsible means I am the creator of my life. I have the power to manifest anything and everything in my life, and if I am not happy at the way my life is going, I need to look within. What am I resisting. Resistance destroys personal power. The more I resist pain and discomfort, the more it persists and the more I create it. I don't get what I want in life. I get what I create. I know now how to 'manage' disturbance in the environment by making a shift inside. At all times, who I am being is what I am manifesting. Actually, I am having quite a lot of fun doing this. It works, and how! When I heal the person, or the situation, inside of me, I bring a change in my world. Yes, responsibility is also acknowledging my power as a creator.

I understand better the cause and effect dynamics of the universe. And learn to play by the rules of the universal laws. 'What I give is what I get.' As I bring myself in balance, I bring more balance into the world.

So, here's my checklist for being responsible:

• Am I living in my world, or a world created by someone else.



• Am I the CEO of my life, or someone else is.



• Am I working on my dreams, projects, wish list with enthusiasm and gusto.



• Am I in integrity with my commitments and agreements - both to myself and others.



• Am I my authentic self at all times. ( or is fear still ruling in a threatning situation)



• Am I aware at all times that I am living my interpretation.

I am the pot, the potters wheel, the clay and the hand that moulds the clay. I am the fire, the klin, and the baking.

Completing each day in Integrity

What does it mean to complete each day? I mean, really complete? I am acutely with this realisation today. This is what opened up.

I am a procrastinator, expert in putting off to tomorrow that which I find uncomfortable. eg. I have to go to the electricity office re my bill payment, and hate the thought of it, so I look out of the window and decide 'it is too hot today, and anyway, it is not so urgent, I can also do it tomorrow'. I suddenly breathe easier, cause I have a VALID REASON now for putting it off to tomorrow. I can't do this now because..........

The pattern repeats again, cause it still is hot outside. India has long summers. And I am always being valid and with reason. I have applied loads of salve to my conscience. There has been a casualness about me. 'Its ok, I mean good', dangerous kind of self-talk. Many things that I postpone eventually get forgotton. I never meet many of my own deadlines. That's what they become: dead-end dead-lines.

The old pattern has been to have blame, complaint, defences, excuses ready to fight the guilt. I used to be ready to fight the shadow, not look at it. All this infighting created tiredness, lethargy, even powerlessness. I was trapped in my own mind games, and was filling my cells with guilt, regret, remose, and all that anxiety. All this translated into a restless mind, so if I am with my book, the mind has a niggling thought reminding me of all the unfinished tasks. When I sleep, I have these anxiety dreams of running after a train that is leaving the station..... sitting for the wrong exam......... sounds familiar?

All this because there is so much resistance to the routine and dull stuff. Give me something interesting to bite! The dusting, cleaning, filing can wait. How many times have I heard, 'what I resist, persisits'. And magnifies too!

A thought is just creeping in as I write this. Does it.... could it (gulp) mean that procrastination is my way of keeping people hooked to me? Cause they will have to keep calling me up to know if I've done the job, or waiting for me to finish, or give information, or whatever it is I am holding on to. Is procrastination my attention seeking pattern?

At the bottom of it all is my laziness. I resist work. I avoid the hard work as long as I can. I put off to tomorrow as if there is a tomorrow. Today let me enjoy. So I grab my book, and settle down on my favourite chair, with the TV remote next to me. The untidy book shelf that I had resolved to work on 'whenever I have the time', waits. And the distance between resolution and action slowly becomes unsurmountable. Now I know why. Cause, I want it done, but I dont want to do it. Sitting in my chair, I wish for a magic wand, or like Baba Yaga, a magic pair of hands, to do my bidding. Sigh! Why do fairy tales live only in books?

The part of me that wants order, neatness, completion is at war with the one that wants to just enjoy and do interesting things. The fear is, there is so much backlog that has built up, it may eat up the entire day. And the next. Now where does it leave me the time to do the fun things? So, something has to give. Either I stop bothering about the untidy book-shelf, or if that is not happening, go clean it. And then sit down with that book.

I am learning to take care of things immediately. Small steps at a time. Wash the tea cup the minute I finish my tea, make my bed the minute I get out of bed. Clip the dead leaf the minuite I notice it. And take responsibility for day I am in. Pay attention to what is calling for attention.

Can I meet all my commitments? Have I called back all the people I said I would call back, did I meet all the people I said I would meet ( at the right time), did I complete all the chores I had set out for myself, did I look at everything that called for my attention?I'm sorry to say, I've been guilty on all counts.And so, as guilt is one thing I can do without, I find the only way out is to become responsible.

In order to build integrity into my existance, this is what I am bringing into my life: Keep my agreements. If an agreement has been breached, stand up and face it. No fancy footwork. Be punctual. I know its not fashionable. Do what I have committed to. Close each day fully..... which means, complete the day before going to bed.
I'm not going to say 'I'll call you back in 5 mins.' when I know it will not happen. I am aware the minute I declare a date and time to be present somewhere, the universe starts the process to meet me there. And if I dont show up, I am out of sinc with what I have created in the universe. I am and I create dissonance. Yeah, at all times, I am required to show up where I said I would. As I write this, I am acutely aware of at least 3 things that are getting carried over to tomorrow. Sigh! I'll get there soon. Practice makes perfect.

I also have two slogans in my kitty:

Completion cures insomnia!

Beware the because!

I am reminded of having read of Tibetan monks who keep their tea bowls outside their rooms when they retire every night, so that if they die in the night, the bowls can be used by others. Now that, is completion. They practice living like there is no tomorrw.

I have a goal to manage my existance in a way that if I have to leave the planet at a moment's notice, my affairs are in complete order. Whether it is my relationships, my work, my finances or my commitments or anything else.

A neat exit.

And so is.

' There is no such thing as a minor lapse of integrity.' Tom Peters

Grounding, Growing, Encompassing

Today I am in the resolution to just be there!

Today I am in the revolution to just being there!

Today I am in the realisation of just being there!

I am inspired by the tree.

All it knows is to be there. In serenity.

In tranquility, its toes go deeper and deeper.

Soundlessly, its fingers reach closer to the sky,

Quietly, its arms encircle a wider arc,

Everchanging, it offers a daily changing view.

The vertical and the horizontal,growing at both ends.

In just being there.........it gently provides

shade,

oxygen, and,

Holds the earth from erosion,

It offers fragrance of flowers,

Fruits to eat,

Home for birds and beasts,

Swings for the children to play,

Shelter to the tired traveller.

Draws deep from the earth,

Breathes deep from the sun,

And offers in the manifest.

In just being there.........

For the buddha

It offers enlightenment,

For the christ,

The cross.

Sometimes, it becomes a landmark,

At others, a boat to travel deep waters,

a bed, a bench, a table, a home.

In all of this, it just stands.Always in the Now.

Not asking for water even if dying of thirst,

Or pleading if being cut by an ax.

The sandalwood tree,perfumes the ax that lays it low.

Can I live the wisdom of the tree I am today.

Why the blog?

In creating this blog, I am so delighted. Having a blog was something I had kept on the backburner of my wishlists for quite some time. Of course, I do already have a blog for the last two years on my guru, called 'In His Footsteps', but this one was going to be about me, my thoughts, dreams, questions, wanderings .....
'So, why do you want a blog?'
'Obvious answer, to connect to the world. To offer my thoughts to the universe.'
'Again, why a blog?
'So I have this one place I can put down all my thoughts. some are in my journal, some on my egroup, some on my worldgratitude blog, some on facebook, some in my head, heart.........'
'Yet again, why a blog?'
'Sigh! Ok, so that people can read my stuff and appreciate me. I love appreciation. Loads of it! And, they can come to know me'.
'Hmmmm. Thats getting closer. Why a blog?'
'So that I connect with my flow, and practice writing down the thoughts when they come tumbling down. So that I unravel myself, petal by petal, page by page, step by step, as I access deeper and deeper layers.'
'Hmmmm. why a blog?'
'So that I can practice being transparent, authentic, and truthful. Share my inner being, share my inner journey. It has been a marvellous journey you know, into the light. Tough yes, but worthwhile. In this space, I will write about the travails and triumphs of my soul as it makes the journey'
'Why write a blog?'
'So that I can practice my writing. A new kind of writing.'
'Oh? What new kind of writing'.
'Well, the kind that comes unbeckoned. That pushes me out of bed at 3 in the night, and says 'write this now'. I'd like to catch those thoughts, put them down. This needs practice, and alertness. And I'd love to share these with the world.'
'Practice? What do you want to practice for?'
'Its the precursor to the book I'm going to write.'
'You're going to write a book! Awww!'
'OMG. I did'nt mean to say this. Look, it just kinda tumbled out. What do I know about writing a book. Only smart and intellectual type of people write books! But wait a minute, what's wrong with me writing a book? I like being an author of a book. The thought itself feels so good. And anyway, now I've gone and declared it!'

'Ok, you pass for now. Go do that blog!'

So there! Here's my blog, called lotus lake. Come, relax in the cool shade of the tree, and admire the lotuses in the placid waters. Inhale the fragrance. And let me be your friend.

'By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The non-existent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired.' Nikos Kazantzakis

(the painting above is called Hunter Valley Lotus Pond by Annette Dorahy)